i'm freeeeee

would you believe me if i said that you don't have to wait for the answers before you step out in faith? ~ marty sampson

monday nights: free. wednesday nights: free. thursday nights: free. friday nights: free. next worship practice: 2007. next ministry meeting: 2007. this past sunday marked the beginning of my personal sabbatical. no more youth group, no more worship leading, no bible study leading, no serving in any capacity until 2007. what many would call a normal schedule i haven't known since high school. i'll just have work and one class at Bethel Seminary.

i dont think i've known real rest since i started working full time almost two years ago. in college, i spent the minimal time required to get my degree (sorry, mom and dad), leaving plenty of time to invest in the things i really cared about (most notably, aacfers & cbcers) and also to rest (guitar and video games. good introvert-style resting). with a 40hr job, there was so little time to invest in even more things that i cared about (cbc youth, cbc young adults, cbc worship ministry, coworkers, ucsd friends) and so started a perpetual tiredness that lasted until.. now.

God prepared a way in my mind and heart to let go of the investments that i've made over the past years, and i think it's to make way for something new. this doesn't mean that i don't still care a lot for those things/people... it's just that God's helping me be ok about the possibility of not returning to them, if that becomes the case. with the start of seminary, i'll get to explore the intersection of who God's making me to be with the study of theology and biblical studies, possibly taking me down paths to full time seminary and/or full time ministry in the future. without outstanding commitments to any ministries, i have room in time, mind and heart to reflect on and dream about how God wants to use me in the Church. that's freedom that i've been longing for. i want to roam in the caverns of my thoughts and ideas, not so loaded with the "tasks" of ministry that i can't give a substantial moment to sketch and envision the "more than this" that there must be. i think that's where i thrive, in seeing and drawing up what can be because of Jesus Christ. please pray with me that over the next four months i will follow God in that pursuit to wherever the Holy Spirit leads.

face your fear

psalm of the day: 143

i learned this fun little game at mt hermon debriefing. you kneel upright with your hands behind your back and fall forward without finding your face in a non-elastic collision with the ground. here's a good example of proper technique and the pain-free result:

after much deliberation (read: peer pressure), i tried it myself, but ended up experiencing something much closer to this:

actually, my face didn't make it to the floor in either of my two attempts... i swung my hands out below me the moment i felt my body's acceleration tip in favor of gravity and saved myself from certain pain and humiliation. funny thing is, i was sure that i could do it. what's the big deal about taking just a chance of a face plant? i'd already seen a few other guys fail at it (rather entertainingly) and they were ok... in truth, i was willing to look at my fear but i couldn't face it.

fear has been facing me in real life lately. this fear poses as anger and masquerades as sadness, and ultimately threatens to remove me from hope and peace, in effect incapacitating me. i stand before rocky paths, confused as to how i should think or feel, sad about what i might lose and angry at the unfairness. but everything i feel is really just fear. and honestly i dont think i've ever been more afraid. but it's dumb cause i'm afraid of things that might never happen, outcomes that could ever exist only in the clouds of theory in my head, yet i'm neglecting the promise of God to enable me within and lead me through any kind of circumstance. i really want to take steps of faith, but i'm so tempted to throw out my hands to preserve myself.

i know that God wants me to face my fear, to walk in faith, to acknowledge risks but not be ruled by them, to live like Jesus has made the way for me, because He has. so what if i get beat up by life on earth? Jesus Christ took the nails and the thorns already, and He fully survived them. so will i.

I believe; help my unbelief!

a day on the bay

i went sailing with a couple of my roommates and friends on saturday. it was way fun, gliding across the bay on a 25' sloop. we started near coronodo bridge, sailed all the way around the tip of coronodo island to point loma, where payton and sam masterfully executed a heave-to, and we sat and ate henry's sandwiches while the boat gently drifted atop the water. (if you look at this map, we set out from near the green arrow all the way to the open water at the end of point loma on the left.) on the way, we sailed pretty close to the aircraft carriers and made a pass by the star of india too. i even got the chance to man the tiller for a while. it was an awesome experience, commanding a boat. i wasn't too great at it though; i nearly threw some of us overboard with same crazy turns. haha.

being out on the water in a little boat was pretty amazing. i never could have imagined how beautiful the san diego bay would be from the viewpoint of the middle of the bay. you could see downtown on one side, coronodo island on another and point loma on the other, with cool green murky water below and clear blue skies above. it was fun splitting time between hanging out with friends on the boat and sitting up front and hanging out with God. i could have spent a lot of time out there, it was so great. i even brought some of the sea-loving back to shore in the form of sun burns to my feet... perfect reminders that my feet would rather be bathed in the water than torched by the sun.

sailing is interesting 'cause you can't always go where you want to. you have to go by the wind. sure you can pick a distination, but if you're inexperienced at controlling the tiller and reading the wind (like me), then you're unlikely to get there without a lot of detours and wide turns along the way. there were quite a few times when we had to loop around or make extra turns to get a better angle with the wind to make it to where we wanted to go. so it is with life many times. i'm so glad that God is master of the wind and the waves in addition to being the guide to my rudder and the wisdom of my weather vanes.

check out some pictures from the day in my picasa web album:

Sailing

Aug 19, 2006 - 8 Photos